So I got scammed.
I was trying to buy a proper r36s clone so I could play Stardew Valley in the bathtub. My mistake. Instead, I ended up with a "GA36-MB." Identical in every way from the outside, this little guy is quite the imposter. The CPU is allegedly not a Rockchip RK3326, but an Allwinner A33. From a performance perspective that's a little bit of a downgrade, but the real kicker is that the rockchip is a 64 bit chip and the allwinner is 32. More like allloser amirite. I'm not 100% convinced that this is the case though, I've seen a lot of conflicting information on this, so I intend to put the question to rest, though I'm hoping it's a rockchip.
(Spoiler alert: It's not a rockchip. It's a 32-bit allwinner with 512mb of ram.)